Part 5

It has been a little over a year since my hysterectomy, wow, it really still feels like yesterday. For those of you that know me, I am an open book. I am writing this blog and my journey to help other women along the way. I think it is powerful to be able to share to help others heal. There are several endometriosis support groups on facebook along with myendometriosisteam.com .

It blows my mind to see so many women sharing similar stories, experiences and how we can all come together to offer each other advice and their own personal journey with this disease. It is humbling and welcoming. It is the hug you never knew you needed.

16 months out from my hysterectomy has been a mental/emotional healing journey for me. I grieved, it’s a loss. It’s not just a surgery you recover from, it’s a literal loss of life. Deep I know. I absolutely love, love. I am passionate about love. The love, that I can imagine you feel, when you bring another life into this world, is something so indescribable, that unfortunately I will never be able to experience. For the first time, I actually said this out loud today in therapy. It brought tears to my eyes, but I was able to sit with that feeling, acknowledged it, and allowed myself grace. I would like the opportunity for a family someday if the right partner comes along and if that is what is meant for me in this lifetime. The realization that I will never be able to give birth was a very hard hit. This is the loss you grieve. Taking out my uterus took away my ability to give life to this world.

Physically, I still have some pain from my endometriosis. I have bladder spasms every now and again. I continue to have bowel flare ups some days. I no longer have that god awful pain from my uterus. I am able to exercise without any limitations now which is absolutely amazing. I love to exercise and just crush it. Fatigue comes and goes with some heavy waves at times. My guess would be this still occurs around my “cycle”. I have my ovaries therefore I will still physically go through a “cycle” but of course without the bleeding and pain.

I experienced a lot of loss over these past couple of years. My Dad, 3 years will be on July 8th, it still does not feel real; my uterus; my Dad’s dog Artie; and 3 cats-Bobo, my very first cat; Domino and Little baby Wilbur from sudden death. I took a vacation by myself in October of 2023, much needed. I was very burn out from work and haven’t had time to truly process everything I have been through. It was the most glorious relaxing vacation I had in a long time. I did a large portion of New England-Vermont, NH, and Newport (my fav place). I had some great food. I did a breathtaking hike with a good friend and simply enjoyed all things apple cider, donuts, and fall. It truly opened my eyes as to how short life is and how I was simply not enjoying it. I got back and quit my job, left in February and moved to NYC!

I did not have a job prior to quitting I just knew I needed to change the way I was doing life as I was truly not happy. I took a huge risk, relied on some good friends and my family for guidance, and landed a job right in NYC. I moved in April of this year and starting working in June. I have a much better work life balance with working 4 days a week as opposed to 5 days. I am out exploring NYC, looking to make a new tribe here and hopefully even find a life partner. At this point in my life, I just want someone to be a companion, best friend, someone to do life with in this short time while we are here.

I took a HUGE risk but landed smoothly and I am grateful for the opportunity I have now. I am putting myself out there trying things I haven’t done before or in a long time. I think we go through really tough shit to come out on the other side with a different perspective, new light, and new opportunities. I think back if I hadn’t gone through these hard things, would I be in this new opportunity now? I do believe that things happen for a reason, I know cliche, but its a fact, at least for me.

I tell this side of my journey to help others who may be in this position. Whether it be facing a possible hysterectomy or really any type of loss. I want to help, know you’re not alone. You can go through hard things and do hard things. Give yourself grace and a hug!

I do hope we get more answers with regard to endometriosis/adenomyosis. We need more treatment options so that people do not have to be faced with grieving a loss over their uterus. It’s the person with the uterus’ loss but also could be a loss for their partner as well. It truly is a deep loss. I hope this helps people who know someone who has or will be in this position to have sympathy/empathy as it is not just a surgery it’s a very deep emotional loss. This is not talked about enough and that needs to change.

See you in a few weeks for my continued life adventures in NYC and further discussions on life with chronic illness.